Humor – Lets Laugh
Old Age
An old man was asked, “At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinsons or Alzheimers?”
The wise one answered, “Definitely Parkinsons.
It is much better to spill an ounce of Scotch, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!”
Good Fun and Exciting
Drink and Hangout – Good Times
Sex /Drugs and Hangout – Fun Times
Gamble and Hangout – Exciting Times
Good Fun Exciting Times –
Provide mankind Good , Fun , Exciting Times in Middle of Desert, your business would boom.
LAAAAAAAAS VEGAS
FaceBook Account
Do you have a facebook Account?.
No.
Then what you do at work!!..
Ruin Mans Ego
Q: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…?
A: “Is it in?”
Nun becoming Pregnant
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Jolly Santa
Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
cheap circumcision
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: a rip off
first carpenter
Who was the worlds first carpenter?
Eve, because she made Adams banana stand
What’s the difference between your job an
What’s the difference between your job and dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks!
Booty Calls
ASTRONAUT BOOTY CALL… BELT
I’d like to see what’s under your Kuiper Belt.
ALIEN BOOTY CALL… ATMOSPHERE
Perhaps you would like to exchange fluids and secretions in a simulated atmosphere?
CAVEMAN BOOTY CALL… BROW
If I said you had a pronounced sloping brow, would you hold it against me?
CLASSIC BOOTY CALL… BONES
There are 265 bones in the human body. Would you like to add another?
CLASSIC BOOTY CALL… BODY
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
CLASSIC BOOTY CALL… ANGELS
I didn’t know angels could fly so low.
CLASSIC BOOTY CALL… ALPHABET
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put “U” and “I” together.
CLASSIC BOOTY CALL… BROOM
You must be a broom, because you just swept me off my feet.
CLASSIC BOOTY CALL… AIRPORT
Is there an airport nearby, or is that my heart taking off?
CLASSIC BOOTY CALL… ANGEL
Did it hurt when you fell down from Heaven?
Blonde in Bathroom
Q: Why did the blonde have trouble in the ladies’ room?
A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.
Blonde BellyButton
Why was the Blonde’s bellybutton bruised?
Her husband was a blonde too!
Blonde Joke – 911
Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
She can’t find the eleven.
Point of View
I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up from your ass!
More One Liners
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Black Mercedes VS Mini Cooper
Man forgot to zip up his pants.
Lady : You left your garage open
Man : Did you see my Black Mercedes parked inside?.
Lady : Nah.. I saw just the Mini Cooper with Flat Tires.
Man and Snowstrom
How is man like a Snowstrom? .
You never know when he’s coming , how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
Simpler Life
Life was lot simpler when blackberry and apple were just fruits.
Going Brown
Once you go Brown, you never frown.
Planning for Future
How does a man show he’s planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Couple Fight
Couple had a fight one night. When they were going to bed , the husband taunted.
“Good night mother of three kids”.
Wife Replied ” Good night father of none “.
Complement
Impress a Woman
How to Impress a woman?
Compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her and support her.
How to Impress a man?
Show up naked and bring beer.
Hunters Lovers
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, they shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
Marriage
an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Alimony
Q: What is Alimony?
A: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!
50 Cent
Q: Why did the girl put two quarters in her ear?
A: To hear 50 Cent
BayWatch
What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson’s breasts?
Silicon Valley.
Stalking
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows it.
Best Diet Plan
I finally found a diet plan that works. It’s called ‘The Cost of Food’.
Children and Cars
Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
Beat the Casino
Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?
A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.
The 45 Difference
Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Tampon Joke
Eight Year Old buying Tampon for his little brother:
The eight year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout.
The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The eight-year-old replies “Nope, not for my mom.They’re for my five year old little brother.
Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
Attaining Puberty
When a girl attains puberty, she wants to put on a bra.
When a Boy attains puberty, he wants to take off a bra.
Married Couple Complain:
After few months, newly married couple starting complaing about the whole marriage thing.
He complained about hole and she complained about the thing.
James Brown – Tampon
What are three common things between James Brown and Tampon?
Uptight, out-of-sight, in-the-groove.
One Liner
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Corny Jokes
How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A 69 interrupted by a period.
Are you a computer whiz?
it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware.
What Is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.”